.
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.The first thing you need to understand about this story is that it is absolutely 100% true.
The way your Grandfather fought in World War II, the crazy way your parents met in a play place at one of the many fine McDonald's establishments here in Michigan. Stories of happiness. Of struggles overcome. Of love and faith.
Well, this story isn't anything like that.
This is the story of how one fateful night, my cousin Ashley farted harder than any other human has farted before in the history of mankind.
I guess that's the second thing you need to understand. My family isn't like other families. We're weird, bizarre, typically offensive, and occasionally wonderful people.
And wacky things happen to us on a regular basis.
It was the beginning of what will exist in my memory as one of the hottest summers ever. Our family had decided to go down south to visit our relatives out in the boonies. I guess our typical flavor of bizarre wasn't good enough that year, and we needed to see what happened when indoor plumbing was removed from the equation.
And so, we headed to Virginia.
We've got quite a few relatives in the South. Uncle Coy is a mountain man. According to Virginia legend, Coy was raised by a pack of wolves as a boy. This endowed him with several superhuman abilities, some of which include being able to talk to animals, lift things eight times his own weight, and the useful trick of being able to do a pitch perfect impression of a steam locomotive on request.
On the other side of the mountain was Aunt Glessie. Aunt Glessie may be responsible for the invention of at least half of the curse words in the human language. Most people have a backyard covered in grass. Not Aunt Glessie. Her backyard is covered in a "lawn" made of green beans. And although I've never seen them, I'm often told that she has at least 40 cats living in her basement.
This is where we stayed for those two weeks, and it's where this story really begins.
It was in Aunt Glessie's living room. We were all so absorbed watching one of her Betamax recordings of The Tonight Show With Johnny Carson that nobody noticed when Ashley crept into the room and sat down on the old wooden rocking chair.
Well, nobody but me.
It must've been the twinkle in her eye that caught my attention. As she sat there rocking slowly, the twinkle evolved into a sort of dirty grin. And then ever so slightly, Ashley leaned forward in such a way that her leg was flush against the seat of the chair. And she grimaced.
There's not an easy way to describe the sound. I like to think that somewhere between a trumpet blast and the crack of a whip lies the truth.
Fwamp-CRACK!
It was the loudest thing I've ever heard.
As mysteriously as she had appeared, Ashley rose to her feet with a look on consternation on her face. She exited the room with a funny penguin-like gait, and that was the last we saw of her that night.
The next morning, we were crowded around the little kitchen table and eating Frosted Flakes when from the other room we heard Aunt Glessie shout.
We came to see what was the matter, and we found Aunt Glessie gazing down into her wash tub. The look on her face was one of wonder... and fear.
A hushed "Look!" was all she could muster.
And then, she held up in the light a pair of women's underwear-- normal in every way-- except for a hole the size of a milk jug cap blown right through the ass. Singe marks around the edges.
There is some debate as to what truly happened- some speculate that perhaps Ashely sat on a shotgun shell, or that she had plopped down on a lit cigarette, her expulsion of gas igniting the burning end. And Glessie maintains that it was the consumption of her famous green beans that caused the phenomenon.
We may never know.
But what I do know for sure is that even today, all these years later... we still live with the choking fear that one day, the great evil lurking in my younger cousin's lower intestine will rise to once again unleash methane infused hell on the world.
Though Ashley denies the story, and even goes so far as to claim I was not there for the event (with varying degrees of truth), there is one universal truth.
My family is a weird family.
Anything can happen.
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